What is friendship?

It seems sometimes like friends are what life is, yet at other times I can’t stand having them at all because they don’t treat me as if I even exist. I have to wonder what the point of unfulfilled friendship is. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends. Some I trust, some I don’t. Some are like family, and some are like acquaintances. Yet each and every one has a purpose in my life, and I always thought I had a purpose in theirs too. I guess I don’t; they don’t treat me like it. Though I may be overreacting, it still hurts. The stinging in my eyes from tears begging to fall can’t beat the internal war raging inside me. Do I ignore my feelings, let it slide, and pretend I’m alright with the way the friendship is? Or do I risk the entire friendship by speaking my mind and possibly being incorrect and sound like a complete snob? I have so many problems with my friends. First of all, most of my friends aren’t really friends, I guess. I have so many that I talk to, and then I don’t talk to. It’s awful, and I usually don’t blame myself…but I realize that it is my fault as much as theirs. That is a goal of this school year (that I am starting tomorrow) and next summer. I want to keep friends, gain friends but never lose them. I know someday I will, that we’ll all go off to different places…but I can control if I let that time come sooner than it needs to. But then I have my best friends; the ones I can’t imagine living without. Yet even though I feel that way, I have the other feeling that they’re like water slipping from my hands when they used to be in a glass or frozen solid. There’s the one who’s been my friend since 6th grade, but she’s done a lot of shit to me and our other friend. She’s not really my best friend, but I don’t hate her at all…even though part of me does, but not really. I hate who she became at times, and I hate what she does sometimes. She has had the most boyfriends out of our trio of friends, and she flaunts it, but doesn’t realize it. She says things in front of me that hit the perfect spot to make me remember all I want and don’t have. I’ve never had a first kiss or even a real boyfriend, and I’m 15. I feel ugly and unwanted because of it, even though I know I’m not. She’ll say something and it’ll sting, but I’ll tell everyone who does that that I’m perfectly okay. That’s because it’s how I live. I only let people see the emotions and the feelings and the parts of me that I want to show them. My actual real best friend annoys me at times like these. She’s insistent on persuading me that I’m beautiful and that it’s not me; it’s the guys. I would so much rather be left alone to deal with my problems myself than to be told that I just need to find the right guy by someone who thinks she has. That’s another thing; her boyfriend. He is such an amazing guy when it’s just me and him and the whole band or my other friend hanging out. Just another one of my friends. But it’s like when he and my best friend are around each other, it’s all changed. He says shit about me, and she won’t stick up for me. Yeah, thanks, best friend. And of course she’s all changed even when he’s not around. It’s all she talks about half the time. It hits me hard because what she has is what I want, and yet not. I wouldn’t want a guy who said stuff about my best friend, and if he did, I would stand up for her in an instant. I told her everything I felt; the jealously because I felt like I lost my best friend because she got a boyfriend. She, of course, took it as be blaming her and him and got all pissed off. Then, seeing as I didn’t want to fight, I told her a lie; I told her that I was just pms-ing and also it didn’t help that everything she had was everything I wanted and that was all. Even though it wasn’t. Somedays, I wish I never told that lie. But then what would have happened? Would I have lost her? Because no matter how much I cry, how much I hurt…I can’t imagine living without her right there. Even though she’s never right there anymore. When surveys ask me if I have a best friend who knows everything about me, I say yes. But she doesn’t, because she won’t listen to how I feel. So I tried to ignore her. I couldn’t even do that! She ignores me all the time, but I couldn’t stand it. Why? I don’t understand why I can’t just ignore her when she doesn’t even act like she cares. Why can’t I ignore the one person who is the only reason I wrote this, the only reason I even am crying right now. She’s my best friend and I don’t want to lose her. I want her to stand next to me, hang out with me, and be there again. Like she used to be. We had almost never fought until she got her “soul mate”, and now it’s like we’re fighting 24/7. How is this a fair life? I don’t get love, ever, and then I lose my best friend too? I know there has to be conflict for me to appreciate things or some kind of life thing like that, but do I have to give up everything? Can’t I even be a little happy?
I don’t want to talk to her. I don’t want to see her. I don’t want to hang out with her, since when I say that we should before school starts, she agrees. Then, we don’t, and I find out she’s at the game. I know who the hell she’s at the game with, but I know she makes no fucking effort to see if maybe I wanted to go hang out at a game with her. My two closest friends have boyfriends and they don’t care. I have family, a great family, and that’s what I want. It’s happy. So I guess I am a little happy, except when I go back to school, where my friends aren’t really my friends.


(written 9/2/08 , posted 9/3/08)


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