How about a good day?

The subject up there, yeah that described my day. I really had an amazing day. There were a few reasons, but for the most part, I was just in a naturally good mood. First off, my band teacher came back to school. His wife had a baby last week and we've all been lost without him! He is everyone's favorite teacher, definitely. Well, maybe not everyone, but he's amazing so he should be. Anyways, I'm buying his old laptop, which I'm actually typing on right now. Yay! It's a Mac, so it's basically amazing! Then, after just being in such a good mood all day, I got on the bus to go home and texted Spencer. We texted for about half the day on Saturday, I think. Anyways it was kind of weird. At first there was no conversation and we were just like okay...k. Then I said, "Well I'll let you go if you want, so you can get to that having fun." He replied, "nah it's cool if you wanna talk." So we did and it was ten times more normal than before. Even though he rejected me, I can't help but still like him a little. I don't know why because he's nothing I have ever been attracted to. 

Life plays out how it wants to, though, and all we can do is at least to attempt to enjoy the ride.

Best friends & Boys, School & Whoop-dee-doo!

"It's doesn't matter how many times you fall down, but how many times you pick yourself back up. Unless you fall down on purpose, because then you might just need a therapist." -Danielle (today in a text message.)


Alright, so I had a great day. Until it all went downfall. I told Spencer I liked him and he said, "Oh." I was like, what kind of an reply is that? Anyways, he didn't say he liked me, but he didn't say he didn't. I think what I'll do is just...get over him, I guess. My personal opinion is that unless you change or that person changes, someone you like will always kind of be attractive to you. There was something that made you want them before, so its' not that hard to like them again.
Actually that was two days ago, so yesterday was Monday, which means we had school. Which meant I had to see Spencer. Gah. So, it was actually not bad. He still took glances at me, which confused me majorly, but whatever. I didn't feel as embarressed as I thought I would have. But I got scared when we got new seats in English. I was so scared I'd have to sit by or across from him...ahh! But I didn't. I mean, we might as well be, since I can see him perfectly anyways. We're facing each other, but it's weird. Anyways, I don't have to sit by him and won't have to worry about having to for at least two weeks.
I'll write my today on another post; ugh.

Aye, Aye, Captain!

"Fear isn't a mistake, but whatever caused the fear may be." -unknown.

Today was such an awfully fearsome and yet also amazingly great day. I woke up in an amazing mood, so it started off splendidly. Then my first class I just had a good time in. I got to World History and my teacher started to beat box and make awesome music on his laptop. It was sick, and it took half an hour! He is such an amazing person but an awful teacher. Anyways, so he's sitting there, rapping and we're all laughing, when over the loud speaker, the secretary yells, "LOCK DOWN, LOCK DOWN, LOCK DOWN!". My world hist. teacher was so sure it was a drill, so we sat against the far wall eating cookies. It was fun until the councilor came in shaking and said, "Every thing's alright, but somethings happened. Stay in the room." We were confused as to how everything was alright, yet something happened, and we were in lock down.
Little did I know at the time that a lunch lady had had a heart attack, and the woman who reported it, being so scared at the time, over exaggerated and in stead of saying, "Call 911!" she said, "Lock down!". We were in the class for another half an hour or forty minutes before we could leave and found out the true story.
It was scarier since we hadn't done lock down drills since I was in third grade; after 9/11.

That's the scary part. The funniest part lasted about twenty minutes, and it was during my first block class when my teacher declared today was talk like a pirate day. She's hilarious!

And the part that made my day so good. =)

Last night, we had a soccer game so I went to the varsity game with my friends Van, Maine, Brendan and a few others. We won, by the way. ;) Cause our soccer team is amazingg. Anyways, after the game, I texted Spencer to congratulate him because he plays varsity soccer. So we talked a while and I told him I was glad I went to the game and he told me to come to a lot. So now I'm going to one on wednesday. =)
I just wish I had enough nerve to tell him that I actually like him.

-Dani

My life is...I don't know where it's gone.

"Those who don't try never look foolish."- Wicked

I wrote this quote for you today because it explains how I am. I am completely afraid of trying things in fear of embaressment, rejection or even just the plain fear. I tell myself often that I need to start to try things, but do I ever listen to myself? Of course not. It's difficult when I'm trying to be simple but I'm just naturally a difficult person. It doesn't even matter what I'm trying; I am always scared to.
In classes, I hardly ever raise my hand to ask questions or answer questions because I don't want to sound stupid. I want to start doing that because who cares if I look stupid? I do anyways, hah. Also, I've always been afraid of water. Mostly the deep end. Last year, I went in the deep end and overcame that fear. But I don't even want to think about me going upside down in the water! I'm in kayaking now and my teacher says its a vital skill. I don't plan on going kayaking or on tipping myself over! So I didn't do it, and I don't know if she gave me a bad grade.
Then of course there's the boy thing. I somehow come up with the guts to talk to a guy or ask him out (on occasion) but after getting rejected and sometimes having it shoved in your face, it hurts. I mean, do my "friends" think I don't know that I've been rejected time after time? I'm not stupid, thanks. I was picking on my friend Alex in the lunch line and he turned to me and laughed. He said, "At least I haven't been rejected by boys all the time." I didn't show him that it hurt, but I said, "I'd be more worried that you're going after boys." I walked away and didn't look back. That hurt.
I want to tell Spencer that I like him but I'm scared to. I want to know the way he's feeling, but I'm so afraid that, just like every other time, I'll get rejected. It'll hurt more this time. I don't know if it's because I've been rejected and I'm sick of it, or if maybe I like him a lot more than I wanted to. Either way, it's the major thing stopping me. Yet I'm also afraid that if I don't take the chance, then I'll want to hit myself for never knowing what would've happen. Wouldn't it be easier to get over a guy if you knew he didn't like you?
It'd also be more awkward to sit in front of him in english, though.

-Danielle

A Change in My Stripes

My stripes, for those of you who don't know, are every single part of me. A stripe could be as simple as something I'd call a gene or DNA in science. One of my stripes is that my eyes change colors; blue, green, and gray. Yet my stripes could be a characteristic of mine, or even just a thought or feeling. I suppose you can understand now why there would be a billion, and more. But who would call their blog, "A Billion And More Stripes." =)
The reason I wanted to remind you all of this is because today I re-realized something that I have realized in the past. But since the last time I realized this and thought about it I didn't have my blog, this time I needed to remember it. Basically, today there's been a change in my stripe. This stripe is one of which is a thought, a personal explaination for why I don't have what I want so desperately: Love.
If you read the previous blog, you know that I have troubles when it comes to guys I like. I don't really know why, or what I do, but something. I used to think I expected too much, so I didn't realize the guys who did like me. Along with that, I believed that I was too much of a loser or something for the guys who I did like, since I got rejected. This thought, theory, or whatever, has changed.
Now, I don't believe that I expect too much (completely) or that I am a loser (completely =]). Instead, I just plain out think I'm cursed. Perhaps I was born to be a spinster. Let me explain. Usually, either I don't like a guy who likes me or I like a guy who doesn't like me. It's awful. Because of that, I had come up with the previous thought. But it was cancelled out when I found Spencer.
Alright, so I've known Spencer pretty much all my life. Yet not. I didn't really know him, I just knew he was; like he knew who I was. I can't really remember what I thought of him before 6th grade, but during then and until the end of last year (my freshman year), I thought he was the world's biggest asshole. And believe me, he seems like it.
He was always mean to my friend, Rae Ann (although I don't know anyone who isn't =[), and it was ten times worse when she liked him in 7th grade. Last year, my friend Maine (silly, right?) liked Spencer. She said he was truly a nice guy, but of course I didn't know for sure since he really acted like an asshole all the time. Boy, was I wrong...
I started talking to this guy named Brendon, who is friends with Spencer, at the end of the school year. It was probably about a week after school let out that I was texting Brendon, and Spencer was with him. Trying to be the comedian he is so often, Spencer decided to prank me. I'll give him one point; the kid knows how to make people laugh. Ever since, we talked all summer. There wasn't one night I didn't text Spencer about a hundred times; that is not even a hyberbole, thank you. He was the sweetest guy I'd ever known. He always complimented me and after a while, he'd start asking for my picture quite often. Of course I'd give one to him in exchange for his own, and he'd agree. As soon as he got my picture he'd call me hot, or even gorgeous. That second one isn't a word I hear used often.
About the middle of summer, I liked his personality, but not his looks. He's a redhead, and I've never been attracted to a redhead. I denied that I liked him all the way until September 8th, 2008: this previous Monday. I was mad last week because he didn't talk to me in school, and this week, on Monday, my friend Van, Maine, and Alex told me they thought it seemed like Spencer liked me. Maine talked to Brendon, who likes her, and Brendan says he's 99.9% sure Spencer likes me. Apparently Brendan has never lied to Maine.
Of course, hearing this gets my head going. I guess you can't deny things forever. I admit, I like him. I want him. He's such a sweetie, even though he's immature with his friends.

Now to the part where I think I'm cursed. Though I like him and clearly everyone is certain that he likes me, though that shouldn't be enough for me to consider it true, nothing is going to happen. Spencer made varsity soccer this year and he's doing all he can to impress the team. Any girl, not just me, won't fit in that plan.

I wish I could find a way to somehow make me fit in that plan.

-Danielle.

Here we are.

"You can't wake up when the nightmare is real." - Dani

Life is everything we're about. That's what someone told me once, at least. But according to my old science teacher, we're here to reproduce and die. That's it. I find that thought extremely morbid, and therefore decided not to believe it. We are here and what we do is live; therefore that is what we are about. Life is full of twists and turns. Poems, books, even songs and art describe some of those twists and turns. But even reading them can never make up for what you have to experience. Yes, we are built on experiences, or lack of; they make us who we are.
Alright, I have a stripe that is connected to this theory. This stripe is the one that makes me a hopeless romantic, emphasis on hopeless. Have you ever taken one of those stupid MySpace.com surveys that ask you when you started to notice boys? I have, and my answer is always the same; I can't remember a time when I didn't. I had my first "Boyfriend" (quoted because who has a real boyfriend at that age??) when I was in kindergarten. Yeah, right. I've never had a REAL boyfriend, and I'm 15 years old.
I always just dreamed of what I wanted and never had it. When I was in about 7th grade, I started to enjoy reading. The first books I read were "Daughters of the Moon" by Lynne Ewing. I don't know if you've ever read those books, but I was basically in love with them. What I wanted was the relationship that Serena and Stanton had. Then, I watched Gilmore Girls and Charmed, and I wanted that. In eighth grade I read a lot more. I started Meg Cabot, reading the Mediator as my favorite as far as relationships, Sarah Dessen, wanting the relationship between Macon and Haley in Someone Like You, and Cate Tiernen's Sweep series. In that, I wanted to be Morgan with Cal, and then of course Hunter. Yes, I read like a dork. =)
Then came the Stephanie Meyer's Twilight books obsession. Who doesn't want Edward?
After awhile, my mom thought I'd like the magic and romance written in some of Nora Robert's trilogies. Man, I loved those. I still love those. I'm obsessed with those. My favorite is The Circle Trilogy, because I love the third book like crazy. But that is not the point. The point is that I read far too much, and I've become to see the practically perfect boys to men in these books, and it's not good. When I was 12 and reading the young adult books, I wanted those 16 and 17 year olds from the books. Not literally, because I felt so young when I wasn't reading. But it's still true that when I'm reading, I feel the age of the main girl. So now I'm reading Nora Roberts and I feel in my late twenties every time I open her books.
I expect too much, and instead I get nothing because of it.


That's my nightmare, and I can't wake up.

-Dani

What is friendship?

It seems sometimes like friends are what life is, yet at other times I can’t stand having them at all because they don’t treat me as if I even exist. I have to wonder what the point of unfulfilled friendship is. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends. Some I trust, some I don’t. Some are like family, and some are like acquaintances. Yet each and every one has a purpose in my life, and I always thought I had a purpose in theirs too. I guess I don’t; they don’t treat me like it. Though I may be overreacting, it still hurts. The stinging in my eyes from tears begging to fall can’t beat the internal war raging inside me. Do I ignore my feelings, let it slide, and pretend I’m alright with the way the friendship is? Or do I risk the entire friendship by speaking my mind and possibly being incorrect and sound like a complete snob? I have so many problems with my friends. First of all, most of my friends aren’t really friends, I guess. I have so many that I talk to, and then I don’t talk to. It’s awful, and I usually don’t blame myself…but I realize that it is my fault as much as theirs. That is a goal of this school year (that I am starting tomorrow) and next summer. I want to keep friends, gain friends but never lose them. I know someday I will, that we’ll all go off to different places…but I can control if I let that time come sooner than it needs to. But then I have my best friends; the ones I can’t imagine living without. Yet even though I feel that way, I have the other feeling that they’re like water slipping from my hands when they used to be in a glass or frozen solid. There’s the one who’s been my friend since 6th grade, but she’s done a lot of shit to me and our other friend. She’s not really my best friend, but I don’t hate her at all…even though part of me does, but not really. I hate who she became at times, and I hate what she does sometimes. She has had the most boyfriends out of our trio of friends, and she flaunts it, but doesn’t realize it. She says things in front of me that hit the perfect spot to make me remember all I want and don’t have. I’ve never had a first kiss or even a real boyfriend, and I’m 15. I feel ugly and unwanted because of it, even though I know I’m not. She’ll say something and it’ll sting, but I’ll tell everyone who does that that I’m perfectly okay. That’s because it’s how I live. I only let people see the emotions and the feelings and the parts of me that I want to show them. My actual real best friend annoys me at times like these. She’s insistent on persuading me that I’m beautiful and that it’s not me; it’s the guys. I would so much rather be left alone to deal with my problems myself than to be told that I just need to find the right guy by someone who thinks she has. That’s another thing; her boyfriend. He is such an amazing guy when it’s just me and him and the whole band or my other friend hanging out. Just another one of my friends. But it’s like when he and my best friend are around each other, it’s all changed. He says shit about me, and she won’t stick up for me. Yeah, thanks, best friend. And of course she’s all changed even when he’s not around. It’s all she talks about half the time. It hits me hard because what she has is what I want, and yet not. I wouldn’t want a guy who said stuff about my best friend, and if he did, I would stand up for her in an instant. I told her everything I felt; the jealously because I felt like I lost my best friend because she got a boyfriend. She, of course, took it as be blaming her and him and got all pissed off. Then, seeing as I didn’t want to fight, I told her a lie; I told her that I was just pms-ing and also it didn’t help that everything she had was everything I wanted and that was all. Even though it wasn’t. Somedays, I wish I never told that lie. But then what would have happened? Would I have lost her? Because no matter how much I cry, how much I hurt…I can’t imagine living without her right there. Even though she’s never right there anymore. When surveys ask me if I have a best friend who knows everything about me, I say yes. But she doesn’t, because she won’t listen to how I feel. So I tried to ignore her. I couldn’t even do that! She ignores me all the time, but I couldn’t stand it. Why? I don’t understand why I can’t just ignore her when she doesn’t even act like she cares. Why can’t I ignore the one person who is the only reason I wrote this, the only reason I even am crying right now. She’s my best friend and I don’t want to lose her. I want her to stand next to me, hang out with me, and be there again. Like she used to be. We had almost never fought until she got her “soul mate”, and now it’s like we’re fighting 24/7. How is this a fair life? I don’t get love, ever, and then I lose my best friend too? I know there has to be conflict for me to appreciate things or some kind of life thing like that, but do I have to give up everything? Can’t I even be a little happy?
I don’t want to talk to her. I don’t want to see her. I don’t want to hang out with her, since when I say that we should before school starts, she agrees. Then, we don’t, and I find out she’s at the game. I know who the hell she’s at the game with, but I know she makes no fucking effort to see if maybe I wanted to go hang out at a game with her. My two closest friends have boyfriends and they don’t care. I have family, a great family, and that’s what I want. It’s happy. So I guess I am a little happy, except when I go back to school, where my friends aren’t really my friends.


(written 9/2/08 , posted 9/3/08)


♥

A Girl With A Billion Stripes

I am the girl with a billion stripes; stripes of color, stripes of nothing. Stripes with stories and stripes that have yet to be born. I am young, scared, courageous, and learning. I am wild yet innocent, guilty and proven. I am not afraid of what I feel, but rather afraid of showing my feelings to everyone. Closed off, yet utterly socialble, I am a flying caterpillar, somewhere between that beautiful butterfly and simply crawling bug. I may forgive, but I will never forget. I have friends, I have enemies, but best of all I have myself. Someone to depend on who will never let me down, because I truly am all she is made of. I'll show you my stripes; will you show me yours?


♥