Yeah. I'm screwed up.

My exboyfriend kissed me and now doesn't know what he wants. I gave him a choice, he has yet to decide. I'm still crazy over him.

His best friend tried to help me get him. Now his best friend likes me and wants me to date him instead of my ex.

My best guy friend just confessed that he's falling madly in love with me. 

What. The. Heck.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! Woo hoo! 

Alright, so everyone has a new year's resolution. Muahahaha. I have a few. Let's see, there's the resolution to come up with better resolutions in the future. There's the one about how I want to find myself and be comfortable with whoever it is that I am. Oh, and of course the one where I learn to shut my mouth.

Why, you ask, would I make such a resolution? Hahaha. As I explain, you'll learn another of my stripes. Oy. 

I'm 15. Mostly all of my friends are 15. Including, of course, my best friend, Marj. Well, you see, I'm the kind of girl who is shy, quiet, and yet outspoken. If you offend me or a friend or our personal beliefs, since we have the right to believe what the hell we want, I will stand up for whoever you're offending. My friends say I'm amazing and beautiful, but sometimes I can't help but to think that they're only saying it just to make me feel better. What do I need to feel better about? The fact that I am the only one of my friends who has managed to stay single, except for two of them. One of my friends is in the same boat as me. Another, who has been single for as long as I've known her, may be single, but she goes and parties, giving guys blow jobs and making out with other girls. If you saw her, you'd never believe it. She's this fierce, easily offended, yet over-the-average-smart. But thats not the point.

The point is that two of my closest friends, besides the one, Tay, who's in the same boat as me, are seriously in love and have amazing boyfriends. Marj and Rosie say the most fake things to me though. Marj says all this stuff about how I'm beautiful and amazing and all that great stuff, even when I try to tell her that a) I'm not amazing, and b) I really don't want to be. She also tries to push guys onto me, whether she realizes it or not. I liked Spencer, she pushed Ryan towards me. Now, she's still trying to push Ryan to me, all because he says amazing things about me. She knows more about me than most people, but I don't think she really understands me somehow.

Then, Rosie tells me how rude it is of Marj to push guys towards me. She says, "Dani, it's your choice, and she should respect that." I agree with Rosie one hundred percent on that. But then she goes and says stuff that I don't think is true, and partially I think she's saying just to get me to be happy. But she'll say, "You're going to get the best guy out of all of us, because you've had to wait so long." And in my opinion, things come when they come. Hell, I may get the worst guy out of all of us. Who knows? Waiting has nothing to do with it, though.

Anyways, so me being how I am, I basically live my life through my friends. I have no life, and therefore I just try to help them with theirs. Yet I know that they can make their decisions, so I don't give them my opinion unless they ask for it. Well, I'm going to start the story a little later, and explain what happened before as I tell it.

So Rosie and I are talking and she tells me how she and her boyfriend are thinking about having sex somewhat soon. He's 17, she's 15. I think its kind of dumb, but it's normal teenage stuff. So I just asked her if she was sure, and when she said she was, I was okay with it. But then we ended up talking about something Marj said. 

So a few weeks ago, Marj told me (after a month) that she was engaged. At 15. I didn't say anything, I just tried to act happy for her. So she waited a month to tell me, and she didn't really bring it up. I asked her what her and her boyfriend were going to do when he went to college. And she was like, "Well...I'm not sure if I can tell you." This went on for about twenty minutes before I could finally convince her to tell me.

Then, a week later, she posts it on myspace.

Back to Rosie's conversation with me, she was discussing how she was mad because (now it's been like 3 months since the initial engagement, 2 months since I was told) Marj posted it on MYSPACE before she'd tell Rosie. I fully understood. I mean, how would you feel if your supposed friend had gotten engaged, posted it on myspace for 2 months, and STILL hasn't told you? 

Later that night, I was talking to Marj, and I made a huge mistake. This is where my resolution of keeping my mouth shut comes in. I accidently told Marj about how Rosie is thinking about having sex with her boyfriend. So here's the conversation, simplified a little:

D: ME, M: Marj

M: I can't believe she didn't tell me. See, she doesn't tell me anything.

D: Yeah. I guess. But I mean...no offense, you didn't tell her about the engagement.

M: Well this is why.

D: This is after the fact...

M: What's it matter?

D: She knows your engaged.

M: You told her?

D: It's on myspace...

M: Well, whatever. I wanted people to find out slowly.

D: Yeah. But honestly...I understand her point.

M: What are you talking about?

D: How would you feel if your supposed friend posted something on myspace and still didn't tell you?

M: Well she didn't tell me about her about to have sex.

D: That's different.

M: Not really.

D: Yes, because she didn't go posting on myspace, "Gee, I think I'm gonna have sex!".

M: Whatever. 

D: She just doesn't think you trust her.

M: I don't. 

D: I understand it even more because I was kind of upset it took you a month to tell me.

M: Well, no offense Danielle, but I didn't want to tell you either.

D: Um, whoa. So you don't trust me? You were going to put it on myspace first?

M: I trust you I just didn't want to hear your opinion.

D: You know that I wouldn't have told you unless you asked for it. And I didn't.

M: I know, you acted happy for me. But its not like I didn't know how you really felt.

D: So it's my fault that you could read through me? 

M: Well, no. I just don't want to hear everyone's bad opinions on it. I want support.

D: Hun, you have to deal with opinions when you make a decision. It's just what happens.

M: But that's why I wanted people to find out slowly. If they ask, I'd tell.

D: So you'd post it on myspace before telling us?

M: Well. Yes.

D: Gee, it's really great to know how much you trust us.

M: Well you went off and told jeff crap about me when I did tell you.

D: No, I told him my opinion. I'm sorry that it turned out bad...but I told him because he doesn't go to our school anymore. And I didn't want to tell you cause I knew you didn't wanna hear it. I had good intentions.

M: Whatev. Can we just change the subject?

BAH! Am I being obnoxious, or is it really hurtful to know that she didn't want to tell me? 

Highschool Drama...it can't even compete with Musical Drama.

So, adults think back to highschool, teens think back to, well, yesterday. The good ol' days of highschool. Right. That's a HUGE lie. First of all, the drama in highschool doesn't end once you graduate. I know this simply by listening in on conversations teachers have when they think my friends and I are focused on something else. Secondly, the regular highschool drama is nowhere near as complicated as the drama once musical season starts.

Oh yeah, I'm a music geek. By far. The musical is pretty much my life. I love it, but I'm sort of shy. Also, it brings out the worst in people. Some of my closest friends end up looking like self-centered brats, even though before auditions start and after the show ends, we're all the best of friends. Pathetic, right? I ask, "Why can't we just be friendly all year round?". Oh boy, do I ever sound so stupid. 

I just had to say that.

Forever And Ever Blog Not

"Haven't you heard the word of my wanting?" -Spring Awakening

Wow. That's really about all I can even say at this point. So much has happened since I've last blogged. It's actually quite ridiculous. Yes, I still like Spencer. Yes, I still have many problems with my best friend. But I've started liking someone else, too. Because most of the awesome conversations between Spencer and I happen outside of school, it's hard to remember how many good conversations we do have. It's even harder when other people have flirty cute conversations with me, too. A) I'm not used to it. I'm very doubtful that either one of the boys like me, but I'm attempting to keep my head high and think positively. B) They both have a tendency to piss me off, so I'm not sure which one I really like and which one is better off as just a friend.

But lucky me, fate brought me what I was dreading. In english, we always get randomly assigned seats. The past few times, I've been lucky enough to not be placed in the awkward place of sitting at the same table as Spencer, but to instead be in viewing distance so I know when he looked at me. Which was quite often. But today, new seats. And I got the pleasure of sitting right next to Spencer. The worst part is that the girl who he likes for sure (since I'm not sure if he likes me, too, but his friends say that he does like Elizabeth a litte) sits across from me. All she does is use him. GAH. 

Best Friends and Boys...a teenage girl's wonders.

"Fear is inanimate, but also always present." -Danielle

I have so many things going through my head. Some are serious, others are simple things that any female has gone through. I'm sure males do too, but no one is open enough with me for me to know that for sure. So, the following paragraph is going to be about my simple problems that (hopefully) will be solved sooner rather than later. The one after that will be my serious concerns. Any opinion of mine is entitled, as well as any opinion of yours is. Feel free to contradict me, for nothing I say is fact; only opinion.
I'm back to being best friends like crazy with my best friend. I know that the way I feel about that is awful, since I'm mad at myself. Why am I mad at myself for "solving" my problems with my best friend? Probably because we didn't solve a thing. I mean, sure, she said she didn't mind if I like Spencer. She just felt left out because I didn't talk to her about him, and I did that because I gave up trying to deal with hearing, "He's an ass" after every other word. So, I've been talking to her about him. But I feel weird because at first, she seemed positive and helpful. She's slipped back into the whatever phase, and I can see reason. I have been talking about Spencer a lot to her because a lot has happened. Well, not a lot, but something that means a lot to me.
Which brings us to the next subject: Spencer. Oh my, he's so cute! Monday night I went to a volleyball game and sat right behind him, but we didn't talk. So as we all left, I was feeling down. I could only wish that things would work out. So, all of us were outside. He was standing at least ten or twenty, maybe, feet away, with my friend Paul and their other friend Eric. I was just waiting for my best friend to come back (after being gone for about ten minutes to say goodbye to her boyfriend.) In my head, I was totally glaring at Spencer. Then, suddenly, my phone rang. So, of course, I answered. It was a private number, and the caller only said, "Yeah, ha, hi," before hanging up. I was confused, until Paul, Eric, and Spencer walked over. Spencer was like, "That call was totally Paul," and smiled. He hung out with me until his mom came to get him and even though I wanted to strangle him, I couldn't help but laugh. Especially since he was the one who called.
That was Monday. Tuesday, he talked to me in school a little. That made me happy. Then that night, he texted me and we texted all night and wednesday morning. That was totally surprising, though, because normally he doesn't text me in the morning. Like, he apologizes for falling asleep and then nothing. But wednesday morning; there was something. Then, he texted me at around three thirty or so wednesday afternoon. We texted ALL night and this morning too! Paul thinks that Spencer might like me, at least a little. He said he doesn't see why he wouldn't, and that he sure acts like he does. He joked around a lot about kissing me, but then I'd say something like, "you'd love it" and he said, maybeee or I know I would. So I'm not sure if thats hinting or just being casual...

So the simple stuff took quite a bit more than one paragraph. I have to go, so I'll just have to hold the serious stuff inside until I get back to the computer!
-Dani

Where do we stand now?

I'm willing to bet that every one of you have a best friend. I have a best friend. You all know her as Marj. She's got this asshole boyfriend who just talks a bunch of shit about me, she never stands up for me. Recently, she told me to not worry about her problems; that she can solve them on her own. I backed off, of course, but then she started trying to tell me things about how the guy I like (Spencer) is an asshole. She kept telling me about other guys, better guys according to her, and about how they like me. She wanted me to give them a chance. I know she thought she was being helpful. She couldn't see that with every name she gave me I just threw it away. I didn't want them; I listened and I wasn't hooked on Spencer. I'm just looking for something certain, and Spencer's the only one who so far has it. Sure, those other guys are nice, good looking and they like me. I just can't; I'm unable to. Literally.
I got in a HUGE fight with Marj last night. I just wanted to explain this to her; that's all. I didn't want to lose her and I didn't want to push her away. I didn't want to be a bitch. I tried not to, I'm pretty sure I wasn't. But she kept saying it. I guess her boyfriend told her to stand up to me, but she wouldn't even tell me what I'd done. How am I supposed to fix something that I supposedly caused if no one will explain it to me?
I don't know if she did it on purpose, but she said something that stung the worst. Something that when you say it, you might as well just stab me. I hadn't cried that whole time until she said it, and when she found I was crying, she didn't care. She said, "Boo Hoo, I made you cry. Oh noo! Well you made me cry for a week."
But again, she wouldn't tell me what I'd done.

Then she said that she was so wrapped up into her own problems that she didn't notice mine. So I said, well I was so wrapped in mine that I didn't notice yours, I guess.
And she said that I should have dealt with my own and hers, but she only had to deal with her own. I don't know if she realized that's what she had said, so I tried to make her see. I begged her to calm down for a moment to try to understand what we BOTH were saying. But she didn't. So I said I'm sorry, I love you. I'm done. And I left.

BFF Problems

Here's the thing. I love my best friend to death. She used to be the only person who could ever make me smile, really. Now though, she can't. I don't know why, and I don't know...I used to think it was because of her boyfriend, but now I don't. I think it's all her. I miss her. I can't help it. But I'm so mad at her right now. 

We never had been in a fight until this boyfriend she got. 

The problem is that she and her boyfriend are having problems, and then they aren't. It's so weird; I think they might have just been together too long now. But hell if I'll be the one to say that. Even though everyone thinks that. Anyways, I just simply tried to give her advice. Not even. I told her maybe to try something besides talking to get through to him, because talking wasn't working. She flipped out and told me that she could handle it and that I shouldn't care or worry. So I was like, okayyyy.

Now, though, she thinks that she has the right to fricken tell me to not like Spencer because she thinks he's an asshole. You know what? He isn't an ass, he respects me. And he's nicer to me than she is right now. And I thought her boyfriend was an asshole at first but that never stopped her, did it? I'm not even dating Spencer, I just like him. I can't help it and she should stop trying to control my life when hers is dangling on the edge, anyways. Ugh! It's so stupid and now she had her boyfriend talk to my sister to try to figure out why I'm mad.

Like it's not obvious. And if she's really that dense then she can talk to me herself.